Missing Ally today

I have been extremely emotional today.  I haven't had the best week.  As many of you know Ally's birthday was on Wednesday.  That day I wan't really emotional.  We had just adopted a dog the Saturday before and I was beyond stressed.  We were trying to crate train the dog.  We now live in Saratoga Springs and our girls our buried in Holiday.  We don't get down much to see them.  My dad had invited us to lunch also and we thought since we were going down already we would meet him.  We went to lunch got some balloons and flowers for Ally and went to the cemetery.  After digging the snow off of her grave. We sang happy birthday and placed the balloons and flowers on her grave.  I felt kind of bad that I wasn't emotional.  But man did it hit me today.  There has been a lot of family drama going on this week and we gave the dog back to the shelter yesterday.  Today I just can't stop crying.  I have been also under a lot of stress.  I have been sleeping tones and never feel as though I have gotten enough sleep.  Today at church the lesson was on Motherhood which made it harder too.  Do you know that Ally would have been 4 this year?  I miss her lots today.  The sunday after her birthday.

Loosing our puppy made me think of my Girlies

A couple of weeks ago we adopted a pit bull/ mastiff puppy from KSL.  She was so darling.  She learned potty training in one day and we a doll.  We named her Zicies after a character in Glee.  We adopted her on Monday.  Tuesday was quite hectic. I am currently teaching ballet in my basement and I had just started the week before.  Being a puppy I knew that she needed to go out once every hour and immediately after she ate.  I had back to back classes Tuesday night and was afraid that I couldn't get her out every hour.  Luckily one of the students had to leave early from the first class so I could take her out.  That night Zicies started to gag and throw up clear mucus. I didn't really think about it.  We had had a dog who did that all the time.  Josh's sister is a dog border and walker and just happened to be on chat on Facebook the next morning.  Zicies wasn't eating and seemed very sick.  She just laid on a blanket I had got for her all day and didn't even move much.  Concerned I asked Josh's sister what I should do.  She told me to make an appointment with the vet.  So I did.  Little did I know that would be the last vet visit and time I saw Zicies.  The vet did a test and Zicies was positive for Parvo.  A deadly decease that basically starves the dog to death.  It is highly contagious and usually happens in puppies that have not been nursed by there mother who has been vaccinated.  Zi was only 8 weeks.  I called Josh's sister to see what I should do.  I tried Josh lots of times but he had worked the night before and was sleeping.  Josh's sister told me that we should probably put her down.  Treatment would cost $1000 and only has a 50% chance of saving dogs.  Puppies are worse.  I finally got a hold of Josh and told him that he needed to come to the vet.  I also told him that would have to put down Zi.  He arrived and through many tears we said our Good Byes. We took our small baby home and buried her on the side of our house.  I lost it.  I cried all night.  I didn't want to be home.  Josh had to work that night and I think it was one of the hardest nights since Ally died. Loosing yet another living thing brought back all the memories of losing my girls.  Even though we only had Zicies for 3 days I was very attached.  I tried to link it to something.  This happened because this needed to happen. But when it came down to it.  It just happened.  Not really for any reason.  I have been extremely depressed and feel like I'm not in control of anything.  This experience has affected me deeply.  The only thing that really gives me comfort is the fact that Zicies is with my girls who I'm sure will take great care of her until I see them all again.

my new favorite picture

Baby Angels Kiss Bouguereau 

Want A For Sure Answer

I have been very worried about losing Gracie. I know that I am probably crazy. She is perfectly normal. Hasn't had any real sicknesses besides colds. I pray every night that she will be watched over and that she won't die. I wish I had a for sure answer that she wouldn't die until I am dead and gone. Last night I was incredibly scared about this. I must have checked her !0 times. I wish I was more sure that God would not take her away from me. I really truly thing that if Gracie passed away that would be the end of me. I didn't think I would have to go through it twice. So God if Gracie goes take me too.

Ally Freak Out

Sunday I had a melt down. Josh has moved to graveyard shifts and Sunday was a particularly hard night for me. I thought when putting little Gracie down I would put Ally's musical mobile up for her. I didn't think at the time I would get so emotional about it. I put it up and turned it on. It reminded me of her so much that I had to take it down the next day. I didn't think that I would have had such a bad time with it. I have let my neices and nephews play with all her other toys. Why is the mobile make me so up set. Maybe it is because the mobile was the same model that Ally had when she was in the NICU for 4 months. And we specifically bought it for her when she came home. Maybe it is also the Holidays and Holidays mean family. And I don't have all my family with me. Oh how I miss her. Gracie has the same movements that Ally did. Hope I have a better week.

Anniversaries and Birthdays

Many of you know that June is not my favorite month. Reasons why;

June 3, 2011- Grandpa Wheeler's Funeral
June 11, 2010- Allyson dies of a Heart Failure. Nan and Jerry's(in-laws) Anniversary.
June 15, 2007- Evie dies from complications of CDH. Josh and my 5th Anniversary.


Josh has been trying to have me think of the good things that happen in June

June 13, 2009- Ally gets to come home from the NICU
June 14, 2007- Evie's Birthday
June 15, 2002- Josh and I were married for time and all eternity.

Surprisingly this past week hasn't been very emotional. I thought I would have had a harder time. I was very busy this weekend and was out of town last weekend which I think helped a lot.

Things I remember about Evie. She had her eyes wide open when she was born. She had red hair from day one.

Things I remember about Ally. She loved to see me in the morning, She was always happy. She sucked her thumb with her whole hand. She loved her grandpa. She loved to see daddy especially when she and I would deliver him food to him at work. She loved to watch Nemo and would smile at Bruce the shark. She loved to watch her crazy cousins run around the house. She loved her mommy. She loved her cookie monster and elmo. She loved loved Life and wanted to be here always.

Dad spoke of Ally last week at church

Dad had to speak at church last week. He was suppose to be talking about the former bishop. My mom told me that he almost took the whole meeting time. Most of you don't know that my dad and Ally where very close. Besides me and Josh, I think that my dad really took her death the hardest. My dad came to the hospital for the 4 months that Ally was in the NICU. He would read her a story every night. He would look forward to Sundays after he's meetings to come home and see Ally. He has struggled for a very long time with her death and I believe he still is. Sunday, in his talk, he compared his struggle to the Conference talk about the Current Bush. Or maybe it is just the Current Bush story. The gardner cut the current bush and thought that he heard the current bush say "Why did you cut me back?" I was growing so well." My dad said that he was like the current bush. Heavenly Father cut him back because he needed to grow stronger and learn from his trial. I wished I could have been there to here his talk. Mom said that he did a great job.