Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday Last week I had a breakdown. I had gotten a call from CareMinders asking me if I could take care of a lady for 8 hours. I said ok. I really have a hard time with long shifts. I get really stressed out. I feel like I am not doing the right things. I then thought of Ally. I started to cry. I wouldn't be working if she was still hear. I wouldn't have to do the long shifts. If she was hear things would be much better. Oh how I miss her. I don't know if I am going in the right direction. I don't know if I am doing the right things. Things were so much easier with her hear. I knew what I was doing. Where I was headed. Now I don't know anything.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Thanksgiving Josh and I found out that we were pregnant with our 3rd. We are way excited but a little nervous as you may have guessed. The week after thanks giving I started spotting. I went in for un ultra sound but all they could see was the sack. Scared out of my mind I said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father if I was suppose to lose it then let me lose it fast so I can start over. If I wasn't suppose to lose it I told him to please stop the bleeding. The next day I stopped bleeding. The next few weeks I started to freak out. I had heard stories from friends that there baby had died but they didn't miss carry and had to have a D and C. I was worried that would happen to me. I have been in counseling for a while and I told this to my therapist. I also learned that anti depressants can give babies pulmonary hyper tension in there heart and I didn't want to take any chances with this baby. I am drug free for 2 months. I can't say it has been easy. I have had a lot of emotional spats the last couple of weeks, but I have been ok so far with out them. In one of my counseling appointments I told my therapist all my concerns, my fears with this pregnancy. She told me that worrying about these things wasn't a great way to help the baby. Really Josh has been saying this for a long time. I had been crying and begging Heavenly Father for a healthy child. After that appointment I prayed and told Heavenly Father that it was in his hands. I told him my desires and that I would leave it up to him. He really knows what is best for me and knows me. I have felt a lot better now that I said that prayer. The only thing I can do is take care of me. Eat right and get enough sleep. I can't control the out come. I just hope that God know that I really don't think that I can burry another child. Don't get me wrong I still have a little anxiety now and then but I think it is a lot better.
The last week of the year I had a way bad panic attack. My first OB Doctors appointment was the 20th of December. They did an ultra sound. Not much to see but a blob. I was 8 weeks and 2 days along at that appointment. Dr. told me the baby is due July 30th. She also said that if we had a 3rd CDH baby we would be famous. It has never happened before. I don't know weather that is good News or bad. So the panic attack started over this. Josh and I have been praying for financial help for what seems for forever. So this popped into my head and I started to freak out. What if Heavenly Father to help us with this financial help let this baby be a CDH baby. We would then be rich and famous. I then started to cry. I don't want to be rich and famous. I want to have a baby. Things like this just pop into my head. Kind of random. I told my mom and she told me that I was insane. Josh told me that I have to think of the most horrible thing and that is what is going to happen. It's true. This is how I think. Pretty messed up right. So I told my therapist and she told me some good ways to try to get my mind out of what I am thinking.
Josh is positive that this baby is a boy. He has never been wrong before with our children. If it is a boy his name will be Jaxson Lee Spencer Hensley. If it is a girl her name will be Rainee Faye Hensley. We will have to see. I kind of hope it is a boy. Maybe my boys won't have CDH. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I have another ultra sound on the 21 and the 14 week appointment is going to be the big one. It will probably be the one where we find out if the baby has CDH or not. So keep us in your prayers. I don't really care what it is just as long as it is healthy. I'll keep everyone posted. Just know that I will be having an ultra sound every 2 weeks. Oh and our nick name for the baby is Monkey. I took one look at the ultra sound today and said that it looks like a Monkey. Josh agreed and we have been laughing about it and singing the Monkey song from The Drowsy Chaperone all day. Hope our little monkey is healthy.