Last night was really bad. Josh worked graveyard and I wasn't ok. I don't think that I have cried that hard before. I was seriously suicidal. I cut an scratched my wrists. I have never wanted to die so much before. I called my sister at 1 and told her what was happening. I feel like nothing is going to get better. I'm trying to make things happen and nothing is. I was way depressed about getting a job. It just makes me feel hopeless. Job hunting always makes me feel like i'm not good enough. I missed my girls so much I just wanted to be with them. To see them on earth. My sister told me get some Tylenol PM and take it and go to bed. She said that I should take only 2. I took 4. I was going to take more but I chickened out. I had a talk with my counselor. Her 25 daughter committed suicide last year around this time. I shouldn't have asked this question but I did. I asked her if she thought her daughter was in spirit paradise. She told me that she wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her daughter had been drinking and had a really high alcohol level. She didn't drink before.
This made me think in a way that I shouldn't. Maybe if I got drunk and committed suicide that I could see my girls again? Then it wouldn't be my fault. But knowing my luck it would back fire on me. Nothing is worth living for. Josh maybe but he would find someone else that is better than me. I just wish that God would take me in my sleep and I have prayed allot for that. I can't take it anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Allyson's death has really affected my emotions. I am numb. Before Ally died I was so compassionate. I felt terrible when I heard of infant losses, sick, or fatal diagnosis. Lately I have had no compassion. My sister's neighbor last there daughter to drowning. My reaction was they can get though it I had to to. So! It's happened before. Who says those Kind of things? A couple of weeks ago my grandpa's skin cancer came back on his head. He has had a struggle with it because of his anti rejection medication for his heart transplant. My my mom told me that the doctor said that this was going to be the last time that they can do surgery because the cancer had started to wrap around his nerves in his head. Instead of being horrified and sad my reaction was, Well I guess it is his time to go. No compassion. I feel like I am going to insult him when I see him so I don't talk to him when I see him. My emotions are backwards. I also have a hard time telling how I feel. I just try not to make any thoughts on my feelings. I used to be able to have feelings telling me if something was going to be good or bad. Now I can't even feel the spirit sometimes. I just want me back. I want to be compassionate. I want the feelings I had before back. I was never this way when Evie. I always was so sad when ever i heard someone lost a baby or was having a hard time. Now my reaction is I'll trade your life for mine. Tonight my brother in law, my sister, Josh and I were talking about what would be the worst thing in the world to happen to our children. My brother in law said that he would take his kid being gay, knowing up some girl or have his girl get pregnant, be on drugs, drink, go to prison, anything else but have them die before he did. I've lived through it. I think I would like the same thing. I hate this. I want me back! I'm shell shocked. And I don't think that Counseling can help me. I hope it can but so far it's not doing anything. I don't get any suggestions except exercise and get out during the day. No suggestions on how to fix it. Of course I have only been twice but don't you think it should be helping a little? I already done this picking up the pieces of my broken life with Evie. I don't want to do it again. What am I supposed to learn? I thought I already learned everything. Josh and I were talking about agreeing to the trials before we came to earth. It made more sense to me if I agreed to these two trials without knowing what I was getting into. Josh says that we new everything that we were doing. We had knowledge of everything. I wish I had that now. And where is the great blessings that I am supposed to get after something like this? I have been waiting. Like getting a great job, Selling our condo, or getting pregnant with twins. I'm drowning and can't get to the surface. I'm never going to have anything happen that is really good happen to me? I hate life. It never gets better!
Flower candles balloon well never make up for not having you with us.Wish you where here to see your smile.Smell your scent.But i know your doing good.Mommy will be with you one day.For now let Jesus hold you and care for you in till mommy and daddy get to be with you.But forever you are miss my sweet angel in heaven. Evie and Ally. Love you so much.