Saturday, October 16, 2010

Emotions so mest up!

Allyson's death has really affected my emotions. I am numb. Before Ally died I was so compassionate. I felt terrible when I heard of infant losses, sick, or fatal diagnosis. Lately I have had no compassion. My sister's neighbor last there daughter to drowning. My reaction was they can get though it I had to to. So! It's happened before. Who says those Kind of things? A couple of weeks ago my grandpa's skin cancer came back on his head. He has had a struggle with it because of his anti rejection medication for his heart transplant. My my mom told me that the doctor said that this was going to be the last time that they can do surgery because the cancer had started to wrap around his nerves in his head. Instead of being horrified and sad my reaction was, Well I guess it is his time to go. No compassion. I feel like I am going to insult him when I see him so I don't talk to him when I see him. My emotions are backwards. I also have a hard time telling how I feel. I just try not to make any thoughts on my feelings. I used to be able to have feelings telling me if something was going to be good or bad. Now I can't even feel the spirit sometimes. I just want me back. I want to be compassionate. I want the feelings I had before back. I was never this way when Evie. I always was so sad when ever i heard someone lost a baby or was having a hard time. Now my reaction is I'll trade your life for mine. Tonight my brother in law, my sister, Josh and I were talking about what would be the worst thing in the world to happen to our children. My brother in law said that he would take his kid being gay, knowing up some girl or have his girl get pregnant, be on drugs, drink, go to prison, anything else but have them die before he did. I've lived through it. I think I would like the same thing. I hate this. I want me back! I'm shell shocked. And I don't think that Counseling can help me. I hope it can but so far it's not doing anything. I don't get any suggestions except exercise and get out during the day. No suggestions on how to fix it. Of course I have only been twice but don't you think it should be helping a little? I already done this picking up the pieces of my broken life with Evie. I don't want to do it again. What am I supposed to learn? I thought I already learned everything. Josh and I were talking about agreeing to the trials before we came to earth. It made more sense to me if I agreed to these two trials without knowing what I was getting into. Josh says that we new everything that we were doing. We had knowledge of everything. I wish I had that now. And where is the great blessings that I am supposed to get after something like this? I have been waiting. Like getting a great job, Selling our condo, or getting pregnant with twins. I'm drowning and can't get to the surface. I'm never going to have anything happen that is really good happen to me? I hate life. It never gets better!

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