Monday, December 12, 2011
I have been very worried about losing Gracie. I know that I am probably crazy. She is perfectly normal. Hasn't had any real sicknesses besides colds. I pray every night that she will be watched over and that she won't die. I wish I had a for sure answer that she wouldn't die until I am dead and gone. Last night I was incredibly scared about this. I must have checked her !0 times. I wish I was more sure that God would not take her away from me. I really truly thing that if Gracie passed away that would be the end of me. I didn't think I would have to go through it twice. So God if Gracie goes take me too.
Sunday I had a melt down. Josh has moved to graveyard shifts and Sunday was a particularly hard night for me. I thought when putting little Gracie down I would put Ally's musical mobile up for her. I didn't think at the time I would get so emotional about it. I put it up and turned it on. It reminded me of her so much that I had to take it down the next day. I didn't think that I would have had such a bad time with it. I have let my neices and nephews play with all her other toys. Why is the mobile make me so up set. Maybe it is because the mobile was the same model that Ally had when she was in the NICU for 4 months. And we specifically bought it for her when she came home. Maybe it is also the Holidays and Holidays mean family. And I don't have all my family with me. Oh how I miss her. Gracie has the same movements that Ally did. Hope I have a better week.