Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ally's Song

Tonight I played Ally's Song for the Relief Society Christmas Party. I kind of need to still work on it and I need to put it to paper. I still haven't finally completed Evie's song on paper and I wrote it 3 years ago. I'm almost done putting hers on paper. But I just finished Allyson's. So far my collection of compositions are for passed people. I wrote my first one for my nephew Benjamin Charles Fletcher who was stillborn in December 2006. I wrote Evie's Song in 2007 before her birth in June. I then wrote my cousin's baby Ruby a song. She was still born in September 2007. Ally's song I finally wrote from a song that I made up previously for one of my friends two days ago and my first performance was tonight. All in all I thought it went great. The ending needs some work. I wish I could put it on my blog so everyone could hear them. I was told today that when playing you could picture my Ally dancing around. I hope that is what each of them do when I play there songs.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Jordan Remembers Ally!

Last week at the Jensen Family Dinner we were delighted to have Kedra, Jeremy, and little Rebecca at dinner with us. Kai, Mia, and Jordan had a great time playing with Rebecca. All though Jordan insisted that Rebecca's name was Baby Ally and called her that the whole time Rebecca was there. Kai and Mia decided to call her Baby Becca. Poor Jordan misses Ally too. So do I.

Another story of remembering Ally!

i Mel! I just have to tell you what happened at the Festival of Trees tonight:

Carson and I were walking along looking at all the trees and he was happy to keep up with the fairly quick pace I had set. Then we came to your tree and we stopped to admire it and when I took Carson's hand to move on to the next tree, he didn't want to come with me! He just stood and gazed at your tree, pointing at all of the angels on the ground, excitedly waving his arms and saying, "Dat! Dat!" Every time I tried to take his hand, he would pull away and refuse to move on.

I thought he would be excited about the electric trains, cars, dancing Santa, other toys, etc on other trees, but your tree was BY FAR HIS FAVORITE. I really believe that the veil is still thin for him and that he remembers his friend Ally and could sense her presence there. It was a truly sweet experience we had at the Festival of Trees tonight that I never would have expected but am grateful to have had.

I just wanted to share that with you. The tree was beautiful! I love you!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

CHERUBS Organization!

Josh and I just recently found CHERUBS which is a charity that is directly for CDH Awareness, Research, and Support. Josh is so happy to find them and has been brainstorming Ideas to get the word out and do fundraisers in the West part of the US. The East part of the US does tons. Josh and I want to do a Masquerade Ball in the spring and a Snowman Making contest this winter. More Information will hopefully come on this. Josh has never been so excited about anything before. He calls me 3 times a day just to tell me his brainstorming ideas. I think it is fantastic. Not a a lot of people know what CDH is and there is much money need to find out how to prevent. CDH is what Josh and I call the most deadliest birth defect no one has herd of. It is more common then Cerebral Palsy and spinabyffida. And yet know one knows about it. it has a 50% infant mortality rate. 2500 babies are diagnosed each year. Josh and I are a very rare case. Out of the 2500 babies there is only a 2% chance of having it happen again. I haven't met anyone with 2 fatalities yet. But I have met some families who have had it twice. Most of them have had one that has passed away from CDH and one who is a Survivor. Most also have other normal children as well. Josh and I are so thrilled to have found the CHERUBS organization. There a support group for grieving parents, expectant parents, grandparents, and survivors. It is just great to know that there is other people out there that understand what you are going through and have been there too.

Anyway. We met the head of CHERUBS Dawn on line the other week. We told her that we wanted to be involved as much as we can. We are both one of the reps for Utah now. Josh got the great idea to do a Tree for the Festival of trees this year using the CHERUBS as a sponsor. We asked Dawn it that would be ok. Dawn loved the idea and gave us permission. She also told Josh that she had purchased all these cherub ornaments and didn't know what she was going to do with them. She said that she must have been inspired to get them because we needed them for the tree. Josh and I have received some great decorations for the tree. Today my mom and I went to Modern Display. We found some of my favorite things so far. A Statue and 3 Cherub ornaments. I want to keep them. So excited for decorating day on Nov. 29. Please let me know if you would like to donate to the tree.

Cherub tree!

I think the tree turned out quite will for only having 3 weeks to finish it. the festival of trees runs November 30 to December 4, 2010 at the South Towne Expo Center. 9575 South State Street Sandy Utah 84070. Come and see. All proceeds earned go to Primary Children's Medical Center. Our tree is on B308.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Remembering Ally!

Tended my littlest niece tonight while the rest of her family went to see Tangled. It made me miss my Ally. I used to hold her when she was upset at night and rock her and rub her legs. Liana was having a hard time so I rocked her and sat with her as she fell asleep listing to lullaby music.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

New CDH Awareness Ribbons

Just got these via email today. One for each of my girls. I'm thinking of making them into car magnets.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My bad Night!

Last night was really bad. Josh worked graveyard and I wasn't ok. I don't think that I have cried that hard before. I was seriously suicidal. I cut an scratched my wrists. I have never wanted to die so much before. I called my sister at 1 and told her what was happening. I feel like nothing is going to get better. I'm trying to make things happen and nothing is. I was way depressed about getting a job. It just makes me feel hopeless. Job hunting always makes me feel like i'm not good enough. I missed my girls so much I just wanted to be with them. To see them on earth. My sister told me get some Tylenol PM and take it and go to bed. She said that I should take only 2. I took 4. I was going to take more but I chickened out. I had a talk with my counselor. Her 25 daughter committed suicide last year around this time. I shouldn't have asked this question but I did. I asked her if she thought her daughter was in spirit paradise. She told me that she wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her daughter had been drinking and had a really high alcohol level. She didn't drink before.

This made me think in a way that I shouldn't. Maybe if I got drunk and committed suicide that I could see my girls again? Then it wouldn't be my fault. But knowing my luck it would back fire on me. Nothing is worth living for. Josh maybe but he would find someone else that is better than me. I just wish that God would take me in my sleep and I have prayed allot for that. I can't take it anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Emotions so mest up!

Allyson's death has really affected my emotions. I am numb. Before Ally died I was so compassionate. I felt terrible when I heard of infant losses, sick, or fatal diagnosis. Lately I have had no compassion. My sister's neighbor last there daughter to drowning. My reaction was they can get though it I had to to. So! It's happened before. Who says those Kind of things? A couple of weeks ago my grandpa's skin cancer came back on his head. He has had a struggle with it because of his anti rejection medication for his heart transplant. My my mom told me that the doctor said that this was going to be the last time that they can do surgery because the cancer had started to wrap around his nerves in his head. Instead of being horrified and sad my reaction was, Well I guess it is his time to go. No compassion. I feel like I am going to insult him when I see him so I don't talk to him when I see him. My emotions are backwards. I also have a hard time telling how I feel. I just try not to make any thoughts on my feelings. I used to be able to have feelings telling me if something was going to be good or bad. Now I can't even feel the spirit sometimes. I just want me back. I want to be compassionate. I want the feelings I had before back. I was never this way when Evie. I always was so sad when ever i heard someone lost a baby or was having a hard time. Now my reaction is I'll trade your life for mine. Tonight my brother in law, my sister, Josh and I were talking about what would be the worst thing in the world to happen to our children. My brother in law said that he would take his kid being gay, knowing up some girl or have his girl get pregnant, be on drugs, drink, go to prison, anything else but have them die before he did. I've lived through it. I think I would like the same thing. I hate this. I want me back! I'm shell shocked. And I don't think that Counseling can help me. I hope it can but so far it's not doing anything. I don't get any suggestions except exercise and get out during the day. No suggestions on how to fix it. Of course I have only been twice but don't you think it should be helping a little? I already done this picking up the pieces of my broken life with Evie. I don't want to do it again. What am I supposed to learn? I thought I already learned everything. Josh and I were talking about agreeing to the trials before we came to earth. It made more sense to me if I agreed to these two trials without knowing what I was getting into. Josh says that we new everything that we were doing. We had knowledge of everything. I wish I had that now. And where is the great blessings that I am supposed to get after something like this? I have been waiting. Like getting a great job, Selling our condo, or getting pregnant with twins. I'm drowning and can't get to the surface. I'm never going to have anything happen that is really good happen to me? I hate life. It never gets better!


Flower candles balloon well never make up for not having you with us.Wish you where here to see your smile.Smell your scent.But i know your doing good.Mommy will be with you one day.For now let Jesus hold you and care for you in till mommy and daddy get to be with you.But forever you are miss my sweet angel in heaven. Evie and Ally. Love you so much.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Yesterday I had my first counseliing appointment. It went great. It was really just an assessment. I did learn that it is ok to talk to complete strangers about your losses. It is how you cope with it. So talking to that random girl at Lion King was ok. By the way Lion King was awesome. We started talking with the couple we were next to by telling them the football scores(Josh). I found out that thewoman worked for University of Utah Hospital. I told her that I recently passed my CNA certification and was intrested in applying there. I also told her that I had my daughters there bacause of primary's next door. She then asked if my daughters were still with me to which I said no. Josh then turned to me and told me that what I said was inapropriate. I asked my counselor what she though and she said that it wasn't. So I don't have to worry about if I talk about it in public. That is how I am coping with it. So my family is sick of hearing about it. So I am now going to talk to my friends about it. So you might get a random phone call from me. Just to let you know all I want you to do is listen. You don't need to fix anything. Just listen and tell me everything is ok. And if I happen to come over. Hugs are greatly apprechiated. Thanks so much to the ladies in my ward for listening and great hugs. Love you all.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Other People dream of Ally! Awesome.

My friend on Facebook had a post that she hears a little girl's voice on her baby's monitor. She thought it to be scary. I commented that it was Ally. She then told me that she has Dreams all the time about her. I asked to tell me and she posted this.

Mason-Donna Marcellus Shes always around around my house like its not a big deal that she doens't know me. Her and Khloe were just playing with toys and laughing and stuff. Sometimes shes lugging around this big oxygen tank and decides all the sudden she doesn't need it anymore and just takes it off and she really was totally fine and she just laughed at me for being concerned . And I had a dream with her pushing a cart around walmart putting stuff in it. :S Weird, like in my dream i dont know her at all. But when I wake up I'm like...that was Mel's daughter.

I love it how others have good dreams of her. I;m glad that she is in good dreams. Thanks for sharing Dona.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Listen to Evie and Ally

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Songs that Remind Me

My Immortal- By Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here. Sup-rest by all my childish fears. And if you leave. I wish that you would just leave. Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just to real. There's just to much that time can not erase. When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of tears, When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just to real. There's just to much that time can not erase. When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of tears, When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me I been Alone. All Alone.

When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of tears, When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.

All of Me
All of Me

Incomplete- The Back Street Boys

Empty spaces feel me up with hopes. Distant faces with no place left to go. Without you within me. I can't find a way. Were I'm going is anybody's guess.

I've tried to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete.

Voices tell me I should carry on. But I am swimming in an ocean all alone. Baby my baby. It;s written on your face. You still wonder if we made a big mistake.

I try to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete.

I don't meen to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go. I don't want to make you face this world alone.

I want to let you go. Alone.

I try to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete.


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My Dreams

Lately I have been Having one reoccurring dream. It is really an offal dream. But to me it is I feel the only way I can see Ally again. I dream that Ally didn't die. She came back from the dead. And no matter what I do I can't help her. In my dream she alway hasn't been taken care of. She hasn't been fed. She hasn't had her diaper changed. For 2 weeks. I am holding her and I can't ever seem to find formula, diapers, bottles, an pjs at any store. The more and more time I take Ally gets worse and worse. Josh and I keep on driving and driving and never get to where we can buy things to help her. But I never can get to a place or find things to help her. I'm desperate. But I think that if I pray not to have these dreams I'll never see her again. But it is so offal to dream this over and over again. What should I do?

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Everything seems to set me off!

Yesterday my mom, Amanda, all her kids and I dropped off the Little Miss Murray Art contest application's and posters. For those of you who don't know what that is I will explain. Each year before the Miss Murray pageant, We have a drawing contest for elementary school girls ages 7-9. The winner of the contest gets to be the Little Murray princess. She gets to be in the City parades, gets a crown and dress and accompanies Miss Murray to Miss Utah and any other times Miss Murray wants her with her. Little Miss Murray started in 2005 when Camille won Miss Murray. Anyway, We delivered the applications to the elementary schools yesterday. I was the one to drop them off at the schools. I didn't think that it would effect me in the way it did. App-on going to the first school I was walking it to the office and remembered Ally. I would never get to hold her had when she went to her first day at school. She would never get to go to school. I would never get to pick her up from school. I became very sad for this. I then thought that she would never be able to be Little Miss Murray. How incredibly sad. I kept it to myself the whole day but lost it when my dad asked me what I had done that day. Stupid things just set me off. Josh and I were talking the other night about people who don't want to spend time with there children. People that think there children are a burden. Josh said that he would give anything to see Ally and Evie again. So would I. I then started to cry. Thursday to weeks ago My friends took me out to Leatherby's for my birthday. After eating delicious Ice Cream some of us stayed outside and talked for a while. Al woman pulled up in her car right next to us in a handicapped stall. She had a little girl in the same car seat Ally had. I lost it and started to cry. She then was complaining about the baby wining. Why? babies cry and wine. It just made me mad. Oh how I miss Ally so much.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The temple

Last night I went to the temple with my mom and dad. This time was a lot better than on Friday for some reason. I felt extremely blessed. I was very nervous the whole session. Which was weird. Not a bad nervous be a good. I sat in the Celestial room for a while and honestly felt Heavenly father listen to what I said and talk back to me in my mind. During the video I couldn't help but smile through the whole thing. Seeing it made me think that I am truly blessed. The earth is so beautiful and Heavenly Father and Jesus truly love me and are aware of my difficulties. I finally had the sense of peace that I have been longing for. We are so blessed to have temples. I am so blessed to be sealed to a wonderful husband and to be able to see my beautiful girls again.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

When it rains IT POURS!!!

This weekend has been especially hard for me. Our family spent the weekend up at my grandpa's cabin. We sang happy birthday to me and all the grand kid were so excited to blow out the candles. On friday afternoon Josh and I went to the Mount Timpanogas temple. I was hoping to receive some inspiration and feel a little better. I felt nothing. I was just the way I was before I went. Can't I get any inspiration. I didn't even cry. I was hoping for something. But nothing came. At the cabin I seemed to be lost. I miss my baby's so much. Ally would have loved every minute. Also Josh and I weren't getting along that great. We didn't seem to have anything nice to say to each other. We got home on Sunday night. My mom then told me that the Adoption papers and info I had requested from LDS Family Services had arrived. I opened it and read. Apparently you have to pay a $1,000 application fee to even be considered for adoption. How are Josh and I supposed to come up with that kind of money? We can't even pay the bills know. I felt hopeless. I'm never going to be a mom again. That really sucks! So my one hope is crushed to pieces. On monday Josh had asked me to do some errands. Pay HOA and Line of Credit. Thursday was my birthday and after having a great time at Leatherby's with my friends, I started my car only to find that the service engine soon light had come on. What a great birthday present. I told Josh when I came home. We didn't really worry about it since it had happened so many times before. So I'm out at America First paying the Line of credit and my car dies. How crappy is that. Luckily it started up with some effort. It was fine the whole rest a the day. I made the HOA payment and then I decided to take a trip to the Nissan Dealership to see if it had a warranty for repairs. It hasn't even been a year since they fixed it last time. The dealership looked it up. Then they looked at the mileage on my car. They then told me that it wasn't under warranty because we had drove it 1,000 m miles over the Warranty. Apparently it is 12,000 or a year for the warranty. Stupid Nissan. I'm starting to not like them. On top of everything else I have to take my State CNA Skills exam on Wednesday this week. What am I going to do if I can't drive my car to the test? I guess I will have to drive Josh to work at 5:30 and take his car. Josh says we can take the car in a Friday to fix it. I thought we were using the money from this next check to pay the stupid credit card companies so that they well stop calling 10 times a day. I guess not. I am done with life. If this is what it's like kill me know!. I hate life. It sucks. I feel like nothing is going to get better. God just take me home now. I can't take it anymore. Why is life getting worse not better! It's so unfair. I hate my life! What is worth living for know? God says he will never give you things you can't handle. Well I can't handle any more crap!. So stop giving it to me or allowing it to happen to me!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Not caring!

What is wrong with me? I don't care about anything. Sunday my sister told me about a 1 year old girl in there ward who was in a swimming accident and passed away. It didn't even phase me. I had a hard time telling my sister that it was sad. I used to be so heart broken when I would hear of children who had died. Now my thoughts are I guess it was there time. Same old same old. I've been through that. They'll be fine. No compassion. What is wrong with me. My mom today asked me if I should be trying to get pregnant again. If so she said that I should be trying to prevent it for at least 2 months after stopping birth control. I replied I don't care. What could possibly be the worser outcome than I have already endured? Not much. What is wrong with me. I would have never said that before. I think I have hit rock bottom.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Things I miss!

Today I was thinking. Of things I miss about Ally. I miss waking up to her happy face, I miss her dad playing with her when we would drop Sunday dinner off to him at work. I miss rocking her, her baby sounds. This week I also missed her at Cherry Hill. She never got to go there with the family. she would have loved it. I miss giving her baths, feeding her and even taking care of her. I miss looking in the back seat while driving to see her. I miss EVERYTHING.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Allyson Belle's Story

After Evie's death the doctor told me that I should wait for 6 months before trying again. I was heartbroken. I wanted to get pregnant right away. To make it easier on me my mom made a deal with Josh and I. She told us that if we waited 6 months she would pay for a laptop that was much needed for Josh to go to school. I was give an IUD. The worst 6 months of my life. Not only could I not get pregnant the IUD was so painful. Finally I got to take it out.

Josh and I had been trying for 3 months and finally we had good news. We were pregnant! Due April 14, 2009. I was so grateful and excited. I thanked god every day and prayed everyday that this one would live. I was very careful when going to California in August. Not wanting to miscarry or hurt the baby in any way. At the 17th week appointment we had an ultrasound. I was has a high risk pregnancy candidate because of the last one and they wanted to make sure by ultrasound everything was OK. We saw that the baby's stomach was right next to her heart. Another Diaphragmatic Hernia. I couldn't believe it. It was so unfair. The Doctors had lied. We hit the 2% chance dead on. I was so upset. Each time i prayed I would ask got to let the baby live until it was 80. I don't think god agreed. The 26 week appointment came and we found out it was a girl. I was overjoyed but still very scared. The doctor asked if I wanted to do an Amniosentices. The doctor was hoping to find something to explain why this birth-defect kept reoccurring. I Agreed. The doctor explained that the procedure wasn't painful and After it would not take much time to recover from. Boy where they wrong. It was very painful and I couldn't walk after. And through it all they didn't find anything to explain the problem. All the while I kept praying for miracle. My Sister-in-law suggested that I imagine that I could move the stomach and parts that were out of place and put them back into place. I was desperate. I was willing to do anything to help. One day in February I noticed and felt like I was going to explode. I had been working 10 hours 4 time a week and was exhausted.

Wednesday night the 25th after work I was having some really bad contractions. I had heard that taking a warm bath can sometimes calm the contractions. I took a warm bath but I still was in a lot of pain. I tried to call Josh but he was in class. I tried to call everyone in my family. My mom was doing a show, my dad at a Ute's basket ball game, my younger sister lived in Eagle Mountain, and my older sister was in class with Josh. After a while of not getting a hold of anyone, I decided to drive myself to the hospital. I chose to go to the IMC Hospital instead of U of U. U of U wasn't covered by my insurance and I didn't want to pay for it if it was a false alarm, Plus IMC was closer to me. I drove to the ER and waited in line. When it was finally my turn I explained that I was having really bad contractions and that I was at my 31 week of pregnancy. They immediately put me in a wheel chair and rolled me to Labor and Delivery. The Labor and Delivery nurses hooked me up to an IV and check my Cervix. They then told me that my water had ruptured and that I was leaking Amnionic fluid. They told me they we not going to let me leave the hospital until I had given birth. I was scared and I was alone. Finally Josh, my older sister, my mom, and my dad arrived. By then the doctor had given me to sets of steroid shots, that burned, and had called my doctor. My doctor called back and told them that I mist be taken to U of U because of the birth-defect.. I was lifeflighted to the U of U hospital and arrived 10 minutes after Josh had arrived. Josh had even missed the exit to 215. We could have drove there and have gotten there sooner. I then was hooked up to an IV and given medication to help stop the contractions. The contractions became less painful.

Thursday I felt fine and had a relaxing day. The doctors figured and were hoping that I would not have the baby for 2 weeks. What was I going to do for 2 weeks in the hospital. Thursday evening I was transferred to Recovery. Friday morning around 5 am, I started to have massive contractions. I called my mom to tell her. She asked if she needed to come now or if I thought I was fine, I told her I that I was sure it was just another false alarm. I then tried to go back to sleep. After a while of being in pain I rang for the nurse. She came in I told her what was going on. She then hooked me up to an contraction machine to see if I was in labor. I was and I then woke Josh. They then wheeled me back to Labor and Delivery. By that time Josh had called the family and told them what was going on. Josh didn't think that it was anything. He called his parents in Washington to let them know. By then it was 8 and I was in massive pain. My dad and older sister where holding me down on the left site and Josh was holding down the right. I told the nurse that I that I was wet and I thought that my water had broke. The Nurse then looked and saw the head of the baby. She then asked for the doctor. I pushed for 20 minutes.

Born 6 and a half weeks early, Allyson Belle Hensley was born at 9:04 am on February 27, 2009. She weighed 4 lb. 8 oz. and was 17 and a half inches long. Josh called his parents and told them to drive and that it was a girl. She was rushed to the U of U NICU. She was doing amazingly well. Before the transfer to Primary Children's they brought her to me and let me see her. She was perfect in every way. I got to hold to tiny hand. Josh and I would go back and forth from U of U to Primary's when ever we could. I felt much better recovered faster not having an eppaderal. I was up and going in no time.

Allyson was I fighter from the very start. on March 1,2007 Allyson went in for the first surgery to repair her Hernia. 3 hours of waiting and we got to see her. She was still open because was to small to close after moving around everything. She was closed a week later. She was in the NICU for 4 months straight. My dad came and read to her very night, The whole family rejoiced on every triumph. In April she was doing so well they were going to let her come home. I was so excited. The day after the news I called the NICU and was told that Allyson was not keeping anything down. she was throwing up bright green and yellow. The doctors did an x-ray and found that the patch put in when the Hernia was repaired had pulled away. Bake to surgery. I was Heart Broken. All our triumphs were about to be lost. The Surgeon was wondering if he would be able to repair the hernia with not being able to go trough the same scar. Or if he could have to make another cut. Going through the same scar would be better but it all depended on the scar tissue. We were never told what he was going to do but found out later that they were able to go through the same scar.

After the second surgery Ally was having a very hard time eating. She would hardly take anything by mouth and mostly was tube fed, We were told that she could not go home until Allyson did all her feedings by mouth and was off oxygen. I felt hopeless. I thought she would never come home. We Begged and pleaded for her to go home. Finally one of primary care nurses convinced the NICU to let us leave. Ally was on constant oxygen and was fed at night by a feeding tube. I learned to place the feeding tube when needed. I was also given strict orders not to take her anywhere for 2 months after. On June 13, 2009 we finally got to take Allyson Home. I was overjoyed. The Day before Evie's birthday. and 2 days before our 7th Anniversary.

The next 2 months were horrible. Don't get me wrong it was a joy to have Ally finally home, but I wanted to show her off and couldn't even leave the house. the Fourth of July passed and I could go anywhere. In august we Spent a week at Primary's Ally was not breathing well again. Finally September came and I was able to take Ally around. Josh, dad and I took her to ST. George in September. Josh went to look for snakes and dad and I to have fun with Ally. October came and Ally was a Ladybug for Halloween. November came and Ally finally was able to get the oxygen and get tube out. She was doing great. Christmas was a blast. New years was too and we finally took a family picture. Life was so great. In January we took Ally to Washington to be with her other Grand Parents. She met her Aunt Stacy and Aunt Michelle for the first time.

Febuary hit and Allyson got sick. She had a head cold and was having a hard time breathing. Every time she needed to go to the doctor it was on the weekends. I made an appointment with the after our clinic and went in. I was surprised to have Ally's primary care doctor for the check up. He told us that she was breathing harder than normal and he would feel better if we just went up to Primary's to check it out. He also was worried that Ally had caught RSV. If she had RSV it could be fatal for her. Primary's could do a chest x-ray and would be able to see what was the problem. Like our normal visits to Primary Children's Medical Center's ER it took forever to even see a physician. I understand that this was RSV season and ER was swamped as it was. I felt so bad for Ally. The striped her to just her diaper. She was exhausted and I knew she needed some sleep. The wait was horrible and poor little Ally cried and cried. Finally we did the chest xray. I was so convinced that Ally just had a cold. That was until we got the xray back. Apparently the patch on her diaphragm had pulled away again and some of her intestine was up. They wanted to to a test to make sure that was the problem. The test was that they would shote some kind of substance that can be detected by x-ray up the bottom. Luckily the nurse who did the test was my Aunt Tarina, She was very nice to Ally and felt offal that she had to do it. Ally cried through the whole thing. We went back to the ER to wait for the result. Ally finally fell asleep in my arms. Finally we got the results. The xray was accurate, Ally did have the patch pull away again. We then talked to Ally's surgeon and he said that surgery was needed immediately. He scheduled the surgery for the next day. We were put in a hospital room to stay over night. I told Josh to go home and that I would stay. I wasn't going to leave her for a second. The next morning we prepared for surgery. We asked the surgeon how long the surgery would take. He told us about 3-4 hours. Ally then went into Surgery. We waited in the waiting room. We got updates throughout the surgery. Ally seemed to be doing great. 3 hours past. The 4 and 5. Finally the surgeon came in to tell us what happened. He told us that the surgery was to advanced that he had to ask another surgeon to hep him. Ally had no Diaphragm that he could sew to. He had to sew the patch to whatever he could find. Ribs etc. I guess it didn't help that Ally was only born with 20% of her diaphragm. We went to the PICU waiting room to wait to see her. That took forever too. Finally I got up and went to the PICU to ask what was going on. I was told that Ally wasn't doing so good. During her surgery they had to deflate the left lung in order to get to the intestine. Her left one was the smallest and they thought that she would be ok with out it for the 3 hour surgery. But because of the 5 hour surgery her right lung collapsed due to stress. She was now on 100% life support and PICU was having a hard time getting her to breath. I Prayed for a Miracle. We waited and waited and were so nervous. Finally they let Josh and I see her. She was all swollen and looked just like Evie did before they took everything out. I immediately started to cry. I was so scared. The Nurse saw me crying and I told her of my first little girl. She told me this wasn't Evie and to keep remembering that. She finally got settled and things started to calm down. We asked to stay over night in one of the PICU's over night rooms. Josh didn't want to leave so he slept on the couch while slept in the room. Things began to become stable through the next few days.

2 weeks past and Ally wasn't improving. She was still the same. Thursday of the second week came and the doctors were worried and so where we. I'd pray every night that Ally would improve and still nothing. Ally always took her sweet time recovering. After the last repair it took her 2 months. I the while I was so calm. I was calm through everything with her. One of the doctors came in and gave use the Talk. The Quality of Life Talk. This scared me so much, The doctor told us that Ally wasn't improving. They had done all that they could think of to help her but they were stumped. They didn't know what or how to help her get better. I started Balling. I then called Josh's mom and told her to come down. This was at 9 at night. She was ready to come but Josh's dad told them that they needed to stay until 9 for his medication. Josh's mom said to wait a night and if she needed to come tomorrow they would. I then called my mom and dad. They came right away. We discussed it and all the while I was calm. I some how knew that she was going to be ok. Both of us slept there that night. The next day was the same. Josh then decided to start a fast. He made a event on Face Book and set the date for the following sunday.

Sunday came and she still was doing the same. It wasn't until Sunday night she started to improve. She started to get less support on the Oscillator and was starting to lover medications. By Wednesday she was taken of the ventilator and they gave her lest paralytics. She was coming back. Soon the paralytics were no more and she could move. When she woke up she was not happy. She would pout and wanted to be out. She started to cry every time she saw me. Her only happiness was watching Finding Nemo. She would watch it over and over again.

SHe finally was able to move to a Recovery room on February 27, 2010. Her first birthday. We made Ladybug cupcakes and decorated her room with Ladybugs. Still it wasn't very fun to have her Birthday in the Hospital. She became very fussy that day and we couldn't figure out why. It wasn't until I put my finger in her mouth for something that I realized she was teething. Cherry Flavored popsicles along with cherry flavored Tylenol become her favorites.

March finally came and she was released from the hospital on oxygen and a feeding tube. I was a little mad about the oxygen but it was worth it having her home. She left the hospital on Friday and not even 24 hours later she was back. Saturday morning she couldn't keep anything down. She would throw up every 30 minutes. It was horrible. We went back to the hospital. She was then given Pedialight for a whole 24 hours and seemed to be doing very well. 2 days after going back again they discharged us. What a Month.

Ally never was the same. After her first repair she never ate that well. She constantly had a cold and though much efforts we simply couldn't get the oxygen off. I wend to the nutritionist for help. They suggested a new formula. We tried it for 3 weeks and Ally simply hated it. I even tried to flavor it with Cherry flavor. No Good. We just kept on our old formula. I also tried to get to her eat baby foods. No go with that ether. She would eat them one day and hate them the next. The only thing I could get her to eat was Chetose Cheese Puffs. She loved them She still was so happy to see me in the morning though. She still loved to watch Nemo and we would watch it every other day.

April came and Ally loved Easter. She sat in a buster seat shaking eggs with candy in them. May also was fun. Going to the Zoo with all the cousins. Ally love her cousins and was often jealous and sad that she couldn't around and play with them. There also were many family reunions on Josh's side of the family. It was so fun to have Ally get to know people she had never met and that we didn't see that often.

June hit and so did trouble. Monday June 7th I got up and at 3 am to use the restroom. I checked on Ally and she was perfectly fine. Tuesday morning at 8:30 am I got up and got ready. Early intervention was to come that morning and I wanted to be ready for them. I went into to Ally's room to get her up. I came to her crib and noticed that she was pail white and that her eyes had rolled to the back of her head. She wasn't breathing. I immediately called 911. The asked what the problem was, where I lived and sent an Ambulance right away. I carried Ally to the living room and placed her on the floor. 911 told me to start CPR and talked me through it. I laid Ally on her back and gave her two breaths. The air going in sounded crackly. I then did 30 chest compression. I then rand to the door and unlocked it. Then I did another cycle of CPR. The paramedics finally arrived. The immediately started to continue CPR. I watched in Horror. All the while very calm. I then called Josh and told him what was going on. He then called my mom, Brother in law, and his parents who were driving home to Washington. The Police came and started asking me all sorts of questions. They asked me about her medications and feeding schedule. I was starting to loose it so they asked me who I needed them to call. I told them to call my dad. The paramedics then told me that they were going to take Ally to St. Marks Hospital. She still hadn't regained consciousness and they still couldn't get a pulse or heart beat. I went Along in the Ambulance

At the ER at St. Marks they finally were able to get a pulse and a heart beat. My dad, Josh, and my mom and Brother in Law had arrived. Josh and I started to cry. ER then told us that they were going to life flight her to Primary's. I wanted to go but I couldn't and Josh, Mom, Brother in law, Dad and I all drove up there. Josh's parents joined us. We then were told that Ally had suffered massive brain damage and was in a coma. I still hoped for the best. She had had a heart attack caused by not breathing. Doctors were not sure how log she was without oxygen. We prayed for a miracle.

Another day passed and she showed no signs of recovery. She had had a cat scan and most of her brain had saver damage. Her eyes were still dilated and the Neurologist came and did and exam. She was not functioning at all. No response. I then started to feel like she wasn't going to make it. I started having massive panic attacks and started hyperventilating. Thursday came and Josh and I decided that we were going to remove life support on Friday. She had massive brain damage and was in a coma. She would be a vegetable not being able to do anything for her self and She would have hated that. She might not have even woken up at all. I couldn't make her stay because of me. She needed to go and I knew it. My only concern we if I had made the right choice. The doctor told me that some kids after being taken off machines don't die for 8 or more hours. I just hoped she wouldn't take that long and she would chose to go on her own time and fast.

Friday came and also the time to say goodbye. I hated it, but knew in my heart that it was her time. All the while being calm.
couldn't I have had some kind of brake down. I guess it was God telling me that my decision was a good one. I thought we had an understanding that Ally was going to live until 80. I guess not. Michelle and Stacy flew in from Washington to be there.
Stacy sat in the room and held her. The nurse started to take things out at 3:00. They removed her heart medication. We wanted to take everything out at 4:00 p.m. but Ally started to fade before that. 3:30 hit and Ally had gone.

Allyson Belle Hensley passed away peacefully and on her own on June 11, 2010 at 3:45 P.m. I miss you everyday. Love you so much. Can't to see you in Heaven. "Allways Happy Always Smiling"

Evie Nanette's Story

It was the middle of October 2006 when we found out the news. Josh and I were so excited about being pregnant. It was are first and we had been married for 4 years. We had gone to Build a Bear many times to make furry friends for our new arrival. We had decided to do the baby room in a Noah's Ark theme. On December 23, 2007 I was cramping really bad. I thought I was going to start my period. I was scared to death when I noticed blood when going to the bathroom. I was crying, pleading and begging to Heavenly Father to keep the baby. Josh then rushed me to ST. Marks. The nurse did an ultrasound and found the baby to be fine. ER sent us home with some medication and instructions to come back if there was more blood or fluid. I woke up up the next day all wet. And then back to the hospital. The baby was still fine and I was put on bed rest for the next week. It was the worst because it was Christmas. So nothing serious only 2 threatened miscarriages.

By February everything had calmed down. We were dying to find out the sex. On Feb. 9th 2007. We went to the 28 week ultrasound. It was a girl and we couldn't have been more thrilled. That is until I got a call from the doctor the next day. The doctor said that the baby's head and torso were to small and would like us to have another detailed ultrasound. He then refereed us to a specialist. On Feb. 15, 2007. We went to that ultrasound. The specialist then told us that our baby had a birth defect called a CDH Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. The baby's diaphragm had a whole in it that allowed the stomach, intestines, and liver to enter the top half of the baby's body, Next to the heart. He told us that there was a 50% chance that our baby would even live until birth. The words cut like a knife. The specialist then asked us if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. I would have blamed my self for it if i did so we decided not to. I then asked if this was going to be with all my children. The specialist told me that it was a fluke and that there was only a 2% chance of it reoccurring. After all had left Josh and I sobbed. We cried all the way home. We called everyone to tell them the bad news. That weekend my mom and sisters were going to LA to see the musical Wicked. We left that night. The night of the show I kelt and prayed. I asked Heavenly Father if this baby would live. I waited for the answer. A horrible feeling came to me telling me that she was not going to make it. I cried all night, but kept hoping that my feelings were wrong.

Evie's due date was June 30, 2007. On Wednesday June, 2007. Josh and I went to a check up. I was dilated to 6+ and the doctor told me to come to the hospital at 12:00 p.m. that night to be induced. I had only been dilated to a 3 the week before. I was suppose to be induced at 12:30, but the NICU was overcrowded that night at Primary Children's Medical Center. Josh, my sister, and I stayed the night, I couldn't sleep. I was either to excited or to scared to. They induced me at 7 am. the morning of the 14th. I was managing the contractions well but they were starting to become very difficult. I asked for an eppaderil. 2 hours later I received one. Having to hold still for 20 minutes while in massive labor is impossible but I did it. Evie Nanette Hensley was born at 3:45 p.m. after 8 hours of labor.

She was a pail gray with her eyes wide open. Little did I know that would be the last time I would see her eyes. She was rushed to the Hospital's NICU and the rushed to Primary Children's Doctors said she was doing quite well. Josh went along when she was transferred and never left her side. After Evie got settled Josh came back to the recovery room. We were both so exhausted that we fell asleep. At about midnight we were awakened by a call from the NICU. They told us that Evie was not doing well and that we should come right away. We did so and called our family on the way. When everyone got there we gave Evie a name and a Blessing and went to a hospice room and waited. I laid down for a while to rest. The the attendant came and got Josh. He told Josh that Evie received a brian hemorrhage at birth and would not be able to be put on Ecmo (a Machine that Oxygenates the blood). Josh then asked if we just were prolonging Evie's death in which the attendant said yes. Josh then asked the Attendant to tell the family. I immediately started to cry. We then decided to remove her from life support. We carried her back to the hospic room and each of our family members got to say good by. Evie passed away at 6:45 am in my arms, on Josh and I's 5th wedding anniversary.