Monday, December 12, 2011

Want A For Sure Answer

I have been very worried about losing Gracie. I know that I am probably crazy. She is perfectly normal. Hasn't had any real sicknesses besides colds. I pray every night that she will be watched over and that she won't die. I wish I had a for sure answer that she wouldn't die until I am dead and gone. Last night I was incredibly scared about this. I must have checked her !0 times. I wish I was more sure that God would not take her away from me. I really truly thing that if Gracie passed away that would be the end of me. I didn't think I would have to go through it twice. So God if Gracie goes take me too.

Ally Freak Out

Sunday I had a melt down. Josh has moved to graveyard shifts and Sunday was a particularly hard night for me. I thought when putting little Gracie down I would put Ally's musical mobile up for her. I didn't think at the time I would get so emotional about it. I put it up and turned it on. It reminded me of her so much that I had to take it down the next day. I didn't think that I would have had such a bad time with it. I have let my neices and nephews play with all her other toys. Why is the mobile make me so up set. Maybe it is because the mobile was the same model that Ally had when she was in the NICU for 4 months. And we specifically bought it for her when she came home. Maybe it is also the Holidays and Holidays mean family. And I don't have all my family with me. Oh how I miss her. Gracie has the same movements that Ally did. Hope I have a better week.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Anniversaries and Birthdays

Many of you know that June is not my favorite month. Reasons why;

June 3, 2011- Grandpa Wheeler's Funeral
June 11, 2010- Allyson dies of a Heart Failure. Nan and Jerry's(in-laws) Anniversary.
June 15, 2007- Evie dies from complications of CDH. Josh and my 5th Anniversary.

Josh has been trying to have me think of the good things that happen in June

June 13, 2009- Ally gets to come home from the NICU
June 14, 2007- Evie's Birthday
June 15, 2002- Josh and I were married for time and all eternity.

Surprisingly this past week hasn't been very emotional. I thought I would have had a harder time. I was very busy this weekend and was out of town last weekend which I think helped a lot.

Things I remember about Evie. She had her eyes wide open when she was born. She had red hair from day one.

Things I remember about Ally. She loved to see me in the morning, She was always happy. She sucked her thumb with her whole hand. She loved her grandpa. She loved to see daddy especially when she and I would deliver him food to him at work. She loved to watch Nemo and would smile at Bruce the shark. She loved to watch her crazy cousins run around the house. She loved her mommy. She loved her cookie monster and elmo. She loved loved Life and wanted to be here always.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Dad spoke of Ally last week at church

Dad had to speak at church last week. He was suppose to be talking about the former bishop. My mom told me that he almost took the whole meeting time. Most of you don't know that my dad and Ally where very close. Besides me and Josh, I think that my dad really took her death the hardest. My dad came to the hospital for the 4 months that Ally was in the NICU. He would read her a story every night. He would look forward to Sundays after he's meetings to come home and see Ally. He has struggled for a very long time with her death and I believe he still is. Sunday, in his talk, he compared his struggle to the Conference talk about the Current Bush. Or maybe it is just the Current Bush story. The gardner cut the current bush and thought that he heard the current bush say "Why did you cut me back?" I was growing so well." My dad said that he was like the current bush. Heavenly Father cut him back because he needed to grow stronger and learn from his trial. I wished I could have been there to here his talk. Mom said that he did a great job.

Monday, May 16, 2011

THought of my Girls Yesterday

Yesterday Josh and I went to our new ward in Eagle Mountain. We we very welcomed. Everyone was nice and came up and introduced themselves. I was very proud of myself that I didn't talk about my Angel children to any of my ward neighbors at church.

The only thing that got me was we sang I Am A Child Of God as the closing song for Relief Society. A song sung at both of my daughters funerals. I started to cry. I managed to keep my crying to a minimum and thankfully know one noticed my tears. That song gets me every time. I came out of Relief Society, hoping to run in to Josh quickly and leave so not to cause any questions, when I ran into the bishop. He told me to make an appointment to see him. I had mentioned to him about my concealing and he wanted to meet with me. He noticed that I had been crying and asked if everything was ok. I didn't want to alarm him so I told him that everything was fine.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Great experance on Friday!

Friday afternoon Josh and I got to meet Randy and Hope Clyde and there family. They are another CDH Family. We met on Facebook and through the CHERUB organization. They live in St. George and we came up for the weekend. We became friends and soul mates. It was so nice to meet other people who have been through the same things we have. There son Tyler and Ally had very similar CDH defects. He was only in the NICU 28 days instead of Ally's 4 month stay. He is referred to "Miracle Tyler" by Dr Null the head of the NICU at Primary's. It was so great to meet this family and share our stories together. So grateful for others that inspire me. Thanks Hope!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Remembering Ally today!

For some stranger reason I started crying in sacrament in the closing song. I left after sacrament not wanting to make a scene. Plus I didn't bring snacks and I knew I wouldn't make it through all of church. I of corse tried to figure out why I started to cry. Ally's birthday isn't until next Sunday. I then thought of the stressful week I had just had. I am still really upset about the fact that some lame person is using Ally's social. I not really liking my job that much and we have no money even though being paid this weekend. I am sick of waiting for pay check to pay check just to survive. Its not like we are not trying to improve our lives. Josh is trying to get better paying jobs and I am trying to work as much as I can. I am so sick of being this way. We have prayed and prayed for help in this area and it never seems like we can rectify the problem. I also miss my Girls soooooo much. After sacrament meeting I went home and bawled. It is so painful. Why can't I just have a year where everything goes right. I'm also off my anti depression medication. I find that when off of it I tend to fly off the handle at any simple thing that happens. I just feel like I can't take any more. Haven't I been through enough in my life?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Missing Ally!

Tuesday Last week I had a breakdown. I had gotten a call from CareMinders asking me if I could take care of a lady for 8 hours. I said ok. I really have a hard time with long shifts. I get really stressed out. I feel like I am not doing the right things. I then thought of Ally. I started to cry. I wouldn't be working if she was still hear. I wouldn't have to do the long shifts. If she was hear things would be much better. Oh how I miss her. I don't know if I am going in the right direction. I don't know if I am doing the right things. Things were so much easier with her hear. I knew what I was doing. Where I was headed. Now I don't know anything.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Baby #3 is on its way!!!!

Thanksgiving Josh and I found out that we were pregnant with our 3rd. We are way excited but a little nervous as you may have guessed. The week after thanks giving I started spotting. I went in for un ultra sound but all they could see was the sack. Scared out of my mind I said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father if I was suppose to lose it then let me lose it fast so I can start over. If I wasn't suppose to lose it I told him to please stop the bleeding. The next day I stopped bleeding. The next few weeks I started to freak out. I had heard stories from friends that there baby had died but they didn't miss carry and had to have a D and C. I was worried that would happen to me. I have been in counseling for a while and I told this to my therapist. I also learned that anti depressants can give babies pulmonary hyper tension in there heart and I didn't want to take any chances with this baby. I am drug free for 2 months. I can't say it has been easy. I have had a lot of emotional spats the last couple of weeks, but I have been ok so far with out them. In one of my counseling appointments I told my therapist all my concerns, my fears with this pregnancy. She told me that worrying about these things wasn't a great way to help the baby. Really Josh has been saying this for a long time. I had been crying and begging Heavenly Father for a healthy child. After that appointment I prayed and told Heavenly Father that it was in his hands. I told him my desires and that I would leave it up to him. He really knows what is best for me and knows me. I have felt a lot better now that I said that prayer. The only thing I can do is take care of me. Eat right and get enough sleep. I can't control the out come. I just hope that God know that I really don't think that I can burry another child. Don't get me wrong I still have a little anxiety now and then but I think it is a lot better.

The last week of the year I had a way bad panic attack. My first OB Doctors appointment was the 20th of December. They did an ultra sound. Not much to see but a blob. I was 8 weeks and 2 days along at that appointment. Dr. told me the baby is due July 30th. She also said that if we had a 3rd CDH baby we would be famous. It has never happened before. I don't know weather that is good News or bad. So the panic attack started over this. Josh and I have been praying for financial help for what seems for forever. So this popped into my head and I started to freak out. What if Heavenly Father to help us with this financial help let this baby be a CDH baby. We would then be rich and famous. I then started to cry. I don't want to be rich and famous. I want to have a baby. Things like this just pop into my head. Kind of random. I told my mom and she told me that I was insane. Josh told me that I have to think of the most horrible thing and that is what is going to happen. It's true. This is how I think. Pretty messed up right. So I told my therapist and she told me some good ways to try to get my mind out of what I am thinking.

Josh is positive that this baby is a boy. He has never been wrong before with our children. If it is a boy his name will be Jaxson Lee Spencer Hensley. If it is a girl her name will be Rainee Faye Hensley. We will have to see. I kind of hope it is a boy. Maybe my boys won't have CDH. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I have another ultra sound on the 21 and the 14 week appointment is going to be the big one. It will probably be the one where we find out if the baby has CDH or not. So keep us in your prayers. I don't really care what it is just as long as it is healthy. I'll keep everyone posted. Just know that I will be having an ultra sound every 2 weeks. Oh and our nick name for the baby is Monkey. I took one look at the ultra sound today and said that it looks like a Monkey. Josh agreed and we have been laughing about it and singing the Monkey song from The Drowsy Chaperone all day. Hope our little monkey is healthy.