Tuesday, August 24, 2010

When it rains IT POURS!!!

This weekend has been especially hard for me. Our family spent the weekend up at my grandpa's cabin. We sang happy birthday to me and all the grand kid were so excited to blow out the candles. On friday afternoon Josh and I went to the Mount Timpanogas temple. I was hoping to receive some inspiration and feel a little better. I felt nothing. I was just the way I was before I went. Can't I get any inspiration. I didn't even cry. I was hoping for something. But nothing came. At the cabin I seemed to be lost. I miss my baby's so much. Ally would have loved every minute. Also Josh and I weren't getting along that great. We didn't seem to have anything nice to say to each other. We got home on Sunday night. My mom then told me that the Adoption papers and info I had requested from LDS Family Services had arrived. I opened it and read. Apparently you have to pay a $1,000 application fee to even be considered for adoption. How are Josh and I supposed to come up with that kind of money? We can't even pay the bills know. I felt hopeless. I'm never going to be a mom again. That really sucks! So my one hope is crushed to pieces. On monday Josh had asked me to do some errands. Pay HOA and Line of Credit. Thursday was my birthday and after having a great time at Leatherby's with my friends, I started my car only to find that the service engine soon light had come on. What a great birthday present. I told Josh when I came home. We didn't really worry about it since it had happened so many times before. So I'm out at America First paying the Line of credit and my car dies. How crappy is that. Luckily it started up with some effort. It was fine the whole rest a the day. I made the HOA payment and then I decided to take a trip to the Nissan Dealership to see if it had a warranty for repairs. It hasn't even been a year since they fixed it last time. The dealership looked it up. Then they looked at the mileage on my car. They then told me that it wasn't under warranty because we had drove it 1,000 m miles over the Warranty. Apparently it is 12,000 or a year for the warranty. Stupid Nissan. I'm starting to not like them. On top of everything else I have to take my State CNA Skills exam on Wednesday this week. What am I going to do if I can't drive my car to the test? I guess I will have to drive Josh to work at 5:30 and take his car. Josh says we can take the car in a Friday to fix it. I thought we were using the money from this next check to pay the stupid credit card companies so that they well stop calling 10 times a day. I guess not. I am done with life. If this is what it's like kill me know!. I hate life. It sucks. I feel like nothing is going to get better. God just take me home now. I can't take it anymore. Why is life getting worse not better! It's so unfair. I hate my life! What is worth living for know? God says he will never give you things you can't handle. Well I can't handle any more crap!. So stop giving it to me or allowing it to happen to me!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Keep your head up! it will past. A lot of what you are experiencing is the devil working on you. He is making life harder, for you knows you just went through somthing tragic. But keep on praying, we pray for you every night, And we have submited you name in to the temple a couple of times. It will get better just remeber to hold on! Also I would not say you dreams of being a mom are completly over. You can talk to your bishop and see if they will help you pay it, as long as you pay them back eventuly, or you can wait for your tax return. But if nothing else keep putting any and all change aside and every chance you have 5 dollars extra or what ever it it put it in the jar and eventuly you will get there! The lord will take care of you, you just need to remember to have faith in him!