Last night was really bad. Josh worked graveyard and I wasn't ok. I don't think that I have cried that hard before. I was seriously suicidal. I cut an scratched my wrists. I have never wanted to die so much before. I called my sister at 1 and told her what was happening. I feel like nothing is going to get better. I'm trying to make things happen and nothing is. I was way depressed about getting a job. It just makes me feel hopeless. Job hunting always makes me feel like i'm not good enough. I missed my girls so much I just wanted to be with them. To see them on earth. My sister told me get some Tylenol PM and take it and go to bed. She said that I should take only 2. I took 4. I was going to take more but I chickened out. I had a talk with my counselor. Her 25 daughter committed suicide last year around this time. I shouldn't have asked this question but I did. I asked her if she thought her daughter was in spirit paradise. She told me that she wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her daughter had been drinking and had a really high alcohol level. She didn't drink before.
This made me think in a way that I shouldn't. Maybe if I got drunk and committed suicide that I could see my girls again? Then it wouldn't be my fault. But knowing my luck it would back fire on me. Nothing is worth living for. Josh maybe but he would find someone else that is better than me. I just wish that God would take me in my sleep and I have prayed allot for that. I can't take it anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.