Everything seems to set me off!

Yesterday my mom, Amanda, all her kids and I dropped off the Little Miss Murray Art contest application's and posters. For those of you who don't know what that is I will explain. Each year before the Miss Murray pageant, We have a drawing contest for elementary school girls ages 7-9. The winner of the contest gets to be the Little Murray princess. She gets to be in the City parades, gets a crown and dress and accompanies Miss Murray to Miss Utah and any other times Miss Murray wants her with her. Little Miss Murray started in 2005 when Camille won Miss Murray. Anyway, We delivered the applications to the elementary schools yesterday. I was the one to drop them off at the schools. I didn't think that it would effect me in the way it did. App-on going to the first school I was walking it to the office and remembered Ally. I would never get to hold her had when she went to her first day at school. She would never get to go to school. I would never get to pick her up from school. I became very sad for this. I then thought that she would never be able to be Little Miss Murray. How incredibly sad. I kept it to myself the whole day but lost it when my dad asked me what I had done that day. Stupid things just set me off. Josh and I were talking the other night about people who don't want to spend time with there children. People that think there children are a burden. Josh said that he would give anything to see Ally and Evie again. So would I. I then started to cry. Thursday to weeks ago My friends took me out to Leatherby's for my birthday. After eating delicious Ice Cream some of us stayed outside and talked for a while. Al woman pulled up in her car right next to us in a handicapped stall. She had a little girl in the same car seat Ally had. I lost it and started to cry. She then was complaining about the baby wining. Why? babies cry and wine. It just made me mad. Oh how I miss Ally so much.

The temple

Last night I went to the temple with my mom and dad. This time was a lot better than on Friday for some reason. I felt extremely blessed. I was very nervous the whole session. Which was weird. Not a bad nervous be a good. I sat in the Celestial room for a while and honestly felt Heavenly father listen to what I said and talk back to me in my mind. During the video I couldn't help but smile through the whole thing. Seeing it made me think that I am truly blessed. The earth is so beautiful and Heavenly Father and Jesus truly love me and are aware of my difficulties. I finally had the sense of peace that I have been longing for. We are so blessed to have temples. I am so blessed to be sealed to a wonderful husband and to be able to see my beautiful girls again.

When it rains IT POURS!!!

This weekend has been especially hard for me. Our family spent the weekend up at my grandpa's cabin. We sang happy birthday to me and all the grand kid were so excited to blow out the candles. On friday afternoon Josh and I went to the Mount Timpanogas temple. I was hoping to receive some inspiration and feel a little better. I felt nothing. I was just the way I was before I went. Can't I get any inspiration. I didn't even cry. I was hoping for something. But nothing came. At the cabin I seemed to be lost. I miss my baby's so much. Ally would have loved every minute. Also Josh and I weren't getting along that great. We didn't seem to have anything nice to say to each other. We got home on Sunday night. My mom then told me that the Adoption papers and info I had requested from LDS Family Services had arrived. I opened it and read. Apparently you have to pay a $1,000 application fee to even be considered for adoption. How are Josh and I supposed to come up with that kind of money? We can't even pay the bills know. I felt hopeless. I'm never going to be a mom again. That really sucks! So my one hope is crushed to pieces. On monday Josh had asked me to do some errands. Pay HOA and Line of Credit. Thursday was my birthday and after having a great time at Leatherby's with my friends, I started my car only to find that the service engine soon light had come on. What a great birthday present. I told Josh when I came home. We didn't really worry about it since it had happened so many times before. So I'm out at America First paying the Line of credit and my car dies. How crappy is that. Luckily it started up with some effort. It was fine the whole rest a the day. I made the HOA payment and then I decided to take a trip to the Nissan Dealership to see if it had a warranty for repairs. It hasn't even been a year since they fixed it last time. The dealership looked it up. Then they looked at the mileage on my car. They then told me that it wasn't under warranty because we had drove it 1,000 m miles over the Warranty. Apparently it is 12,000 or a year for the warranty. Stupid Nissan. I'm starting to not like them. On top of everything else I have to take my State CNA Skills exam on Wednesday this week. What am I going to do if I can't drive my car to the test? I guess I will have to drive Josh to work at 5:30 and take his car. Josh says we can take the car in a Friday to fix it. I thought we were using the money from this next check to pay the stupid credit card companies so that they well stop calling 10 times a day. I guess not. I am done with life. If this is what it's like kill me know!. I hate life. It sucks. I feel like nothing is going to get better. God just take me home now. I can't take it anymore. Why is life getting worse not better! It's so unfair. I hate my life! What is worth living for know? God says he will never give you things you can't handle. Well I can't handle any more crap!. So stop giving it to me or allowing it to happen to me!!!!!!

Not caring!

What is wrong with me? I don't care about anything. Sunday my sister told me about a 1 year old girl in there ward who was in a swimming accident and passed away. It didn't even phase me. I had a hard time telling my sister that it was sad. I used to be so heart broken when I would hear of children who had died. Now my thoughts are I guess it was there time. Same old same old. I've been through that. They'll be fine. No compassion. What is wrong with me. My mom today asked me if I should be trying to get pregnant again. If so she said that I should be trying to prevent it for at least 2 months after stopping birth control. I replied I don't care. What could possibly be the worser outcome than I have already endured? Not much. What is wrong with me. I would have never said that before. I think I have hit rock bottom.

Things I miss!

Today I was thinking. Of things I miss about Ally. I miss waking up to her happy face, I miss her dad playing with her when we would drop Sunday dinner off to him at work. I miss rocking her, her baby sounds. This week I also missed her at Cherry Hill. She never got to go there with the family. she would have loved it. I miss giving her baths, feeding her and even taking care of her. I miss looking in the back seat while driving to see her. I miss EVERYTHING.

Ally Special Occasions!

Allyson's Birth Pictures