Counseling

Yesterday I had my first counseliing appointment. It went great. It was really just an assessment. I did learn that it is ok to talk to complete strangers about your losses. It is how you cope with it. So talking to that random girl at Lion King was ok. By the way Lion King was awesome. We started talking with the couple we were next to by telling them the football scores(Josh). I found out that thewoman worked for University of Utah Hospital. I told her that I recently passed my CNA certification and was intrested in applying there. I also told her that I had my daughters there bacause of primary's next door. She then asked if my daughters were still with me to which I said no. Josh then turned to me and told me that what I said was inapropriate. I asked my counselor what she though and she said that it wasn't. So I don't have to worry about if I talk about it in public. That is how I am coping with it. So my family is sick of hearing about it. So I am now going to talk to my friends about it. So you might get a random phone call from me. Just to let you know all I want you to do is listen. You don't need to fix anything. Just listen and tell me everything is ok. And if I happen to come over. Hugs are greatly apprechiated. Thanks so much to the ladies in my ward for listening and great hugs. Love you all.

Other People dream of Ally! Awesome.

My friend on Facebook had a post that she hears a little girl's voice on her baby's monitor. She thought it to be scary. I commented that it was Ally. She then told me that she has Dreams all the time about her. I asked to tell me and she posted this.

Mason-Donna Marcellus Shes always around around my house like its not a big deal that she doens't know me. Her and Khloe were just playing with toys and laughing and stuff. Sometimes shes lugging around this big oxygen tank and decides all the sudden she doesn't need it anymore and just takes it off and she really was totally fine and she just laughed at me for being concerned . And I had a dream with her pushing a cart around walmart putting stuff in it. :S Weird, like in my dream i dont know her at all. But when I wake up I'm like...that was Mel's daughter.

I love it how others have good dreams of her. I;m glad that she is in good dreams. Thanks for sharing Dona.

Listen to Evie and Ally

Songs that Remind Me

My Immortal- By Evanescence


I'm so tired of being here. Sup-rest by all my childish fears. And if you leave. I wish that you would just leave. Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just to real. There's just to much that time can not erase. When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of tears, When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just to real. There's just to much that time can not erase. When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of tears, When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me I been Alone. All Alone.

When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of tears, When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me.

All of Me
All of Me


Incomplete- The Back Street Boys

Empty spaces feel me up with hopes. Distant faces with no place left to go. Without you within me. I can't find a way. Were I'm going is anybody's guess.

I've tried to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete.

Voices tell me I should carry on. But I am swimming in an ocean all alone. Baby my baby. It;s written on your face. You still wonder if we made a big mistake.

I try to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete.

I don't meen to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go. I don't want to make you face this world alone.

I want to let you go. Alone.

I try to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete.

Incomplete.

My Dreams

Lately I have been Having one reoccurring dream. It is really an offal dream. But to me it is I feel the only way I can see Ally again. I dream that Ally didn't die. She came back from the dead. And no matter what I do I can't help her. In my dream she alway hasn't been taken care of. She hasn't been fed. She hasn't had her diaper changed. For 2 weeks. I am holding her and I can't ever seem to find formula, diapers, bottles, an pjs at any store. The more and more time I take Ally gets worse and worse. Josh and I keep on driving and driving and never get to where we can buy things to help her. But I never can get to a place or find things to help her. I'm desperate. But I think that if I pray not to have these dreams I'll never see her again. But it is so offal to dream this over and over again. What should I do?

Everything seems to set me off!

Yesterday my mom, Amanda, all her kids and I dropped off the Little Miss Murray Art contest application's and posters. For those of you who don't know what that is I will explain. Each year before the Miss Murray pageant, We have a drawing contest for elementary school girls ages 7-9. The winner of the contest gets to be the Little Murray princess. She gets to be in the City parades, gets a crown and dress and accompanies Miss Murray to Miss Utah and any other times Miss Murray wants her with her. Little Miss Murray started in 2005 when Camille won Miss Murray. Anyway, We delivered the applications to the elementary schools yesterday. I was the one to drop them off at the schools. I didn't think that it would effect me in the way it did. App-on going to the first school I was walking it to the office and remembered Ally. I would never get to hold her had when she went to her first day at school. She would never get to go to school. I would never get to pick her up from school. I became very sad for this. I then thought that she would never be able to be Little Miss Murray. How incredibly sad. I kept it to myself the whole day but lost it when my dad asked me what I had done that day. Stupid things just set me off. Josh and I were talking the other night about people who don't want to spend time with there children. People that think there children are a burden. Josh said that he would give anything to see Ally and Evie again. So would I. I then started to cry. Thursday to weeks ago My friends took me out to Leatherby's for my birthday. After eating delicious Ice Cream some of us stayed outside and talked for a while. Al woman pulled up in her car right next to us in a handicapped stall. She had a little girl in the same car seat Ally had. I lost it and started to cry. She then was complaining about the baby wining. Why? babies cry and wine. It just made me mad. Oh how I miss Ally so much.

The temple

Last night I went to the temple with my mom and dad. This time was a lot better than on Friday for some reason. I felt extremely blessed. I was very nervous the whole session. Which was weird. Not a bad nervous be a good. I sat in the Celestial room for a while and honestly felt Heavenly father listen to what I said and talk back to me in my mind. During the video I couldn't help but smile through the whole thing. Seeing it made me think that I am truly blessed. The earth is so beautiful and Heavenly Father and Jesus truly love me and are aware of my difficulties. I finally had the sense of peace that I have been longing for. We are so blessed to have temples. I am so blessed to be sealed to a wonderful husband and to be able to see my beautiful girls again.