Remembering Ally!

Tended my littlest niece tonight while the rest of her family went to see Tangled. It made me miss my Ally. I used to hold her when she was upset at night and rock her and rub her legs. Liana was having a hard time so I rocked her and sat with her as she fell asleep listing to lullaby music.

New CDH Awareness Ribbons

Just got these via email today. One for each of my girls. I'm thinking of making them into car magnets.

My bad Night!

Last night was really bad. Josh worked graveyard and I wasn't ok. I don't think that I have cried that hard before. I was seriously suicidal. I cut an scratched my wrists. I have never wanted to die so much before. I called my sister at 1 and told her what was happening. I feel like nothing is going to get better. I'm trying to make things happen and nothing is. I was way depressed about getting a job. It just makes me feel hopeless. Job hunting always makes me feel like i'm not good enough. I missed my girls so much I just wanted to be with them. To see them on earth. My sister told me get some Tylenol PM and take it and go to bed. She said that I should take only 2. I took 4. I was going to take more but I chickened out. I had a talk with my counselor. Her 25 daughter committed suicide last year around this time. I shouldn't have asked this question but I did. I asked her if she thought her daughter was in spirit paradise. She told me that she wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her daughter had been drinking and had a really high alcohol level. She didn't drink before.

This made me think in a way that I shouldn't. Maybe if I got drunk and committed suicide that I could see my girls again? Then it wouldn't be my fault. But knowing my luck it would back fire on me. Nothing is worth living for. Josh maybe but he would find someone else that is better than me. I just wish that God would take me in my sleep and I have prayed allot for that. I can't take it anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.

Emotions so mest up!

Allyson's death has really affected my emotions. I am numb. Before Ally died I was so compassionate. I felt terrible when I heard of infant losses, sick, or fatal diagnosis. Lately I have had no compassion. My sister's neighbor last there daughter to drowning. My reaction was they can get though it I had to to. So! It's happened before. Who says those Kind of things? A couple of weeks ago my grandpa's skin cancer came back on his head. He has had a struggle with it because of his anti rejection medication for his heart transplant. My my mom told me that the doctor said that this was going to be the last time that they can do surgery because the cancer had started to wrap around his nerves in his head. Instead of being horrified and sad my reaction was, Well I guess it is his time to go. No compassion. I feel like I am going to insult him when I see him so I don't talk to him when I see him. My emotions are backwards. I also have a hard time telling how I feel. I just try not to make any thoughts on my feelings. I used to be able to have feelings telling me if something was going to be good or bad. Now I can't even feel the spirit sometimes. I just want me back. I want to be compassionate. I want the feelings I had before back. I was never this way when Evie. I always was so sad when ever i heard someone lost a baby or was having a hard time. Now my reaction is I'll trade your life for mine. Tonight my brother in law, my sister, Josh and I were talking about what would be the worst thing in the world to happen to our children. My brother in law said that he would take his kid being gay, knowing up some girl or have his girl get pregnant, be on drugs, drink, go to prison, anything else but have them die before he did. I've lived through it. I think I would like the same thing. I hate this. I want me back! I'm shell shocked. And I don't think that Counseling can help me. I hope it can but so far it's not doing anything. I don't get any suggestions except exercise and get out during the day. No suggestions on how to fix it. Of course I have only been twice but don't you think it should be helping a little? I already done this picking up the pieces of my broken life with Evie. I don't want to do it again. What am I supposed to learn? I thought I already learned everything. Josh and I were talking about agreeing to the trials before we came to earth. It made more sense to me if I agreed to these two trials without knowing what I was getting into. Josh says that we new everything that we were doing. We had knowledge of everything. I wish I had that now. And where is the great blessings that I am supposed to get after something like this? I have been waiting. Like getting a great job, Selling our condo, or getting pregnant with twins. I'm drowning and can't get to the surface. I'm never going to have anything happen that is really good happen to me? I hate life. It never gets better!

Status

Flower candles balloon well never make up for not having you with us.Wish you where here to see your smile.Smell your scent.But i know your doing good.Mommy will be with you one day.For now let Jesus hold you and care for you in till mommy and daddy get to be with you.But forever you are miss my sweet angel in heaven. Evie and Ally. Love you so much.

Counseling

Yesterday I had my first counseliing appointment. It went great. It was really just an assessment. I did learn that it is ok to talk to complete strangers about your losses. It is how you cope with it. So talking to that random girl at Lion King was ok. By the way Lion King was awesome. We started talking with the couple we were next to by telling them the football scores(Josh). I found out that thewoman worked for University of Utah Hospital. I told her that I recently passed my CNA certification and was intrested in applying there. I also told her that I had my daughters there bacause of primary's next door. She then asked if my daughters were still with me to which I said no. Josh then turned to me and told me that what I said was inapropriate. I asked my counselor what she though and she said that it wasn't. So I don't have to worry about if I talk about it in public. That is how I am coping with it. So my family is sick of hearing about it. So I am now going to talk to my friends about it. So you might get a random phone call from me. Just to let you know all I want you to do is listen. You don't need to fix anything. Just listen and tell me everything is ok. And if I happen to come over. Hugs are greatly apprechiated. Thanks so much to the ladies in my ward for listening and great hugs. Love you all.

Other People dream of Ally! Awesome.

My friend on Facebook had a post that she hears a little girl's voice on her baby's monitor. She thought it to be scary. I commented that it was Ally. She then told me that she has Dreams all the time about her. I asked to tell me and she posted this.

Mason-Donna Marcellus Shes always around around my house like its not a big deal that she doens't know me. Her and Khloe were just playing with toys and laughing and stuff. Sometimes shes lugging around this big oxygen tank and decides all the sudden she doesn't need it anymore and just takes it off and she really was totally fine and she just laughed at me for being concerned . And I had a dream with her pushing a cart around walmart putting stuff in it. :S Weird, like in my dream i dont know her at all. But when I wake up I'm like...that was Mel's daughter.

I love it how others have good dreams of her. I;m glad that she is in good dreams. Thanks for sharing Dona.